(Credit: Author)
Now Playing: “Duvet” – Bôa
My week couldn’t have gotten busier if I had tried. About thirty-minutes before we got on our flight home, direct thankfully, Bryce texted me to see if they could swing by and do the radio interview on Friday. Of course I said yes and immediately had to email my coworkers so they could start promoting the hell out of it.
Since we got back, I’ve been unable to take the time to look over the new information we received in Seattle. Life has gotten in the way. To add to it all, my sister has been more adamant about seeing me lately, which I have been avoiding to sidestep any possibility I might spill the beans about the search for mom.
But with our friends at Catherine Cold currently setting up at the Lost Haven just off campus to play a full concert tonight while they’re in town after this afternoon’s interview, my time dodging Reilly has come to its conclusion. Allison had the brilliant idea to invite my sister, her fiancé, and Jess along with Martin and the rest of the band.
Personally, I like Jess. She was always there for Allison when we were younger, but she never hit it off with Martin and I in the same way. Jess was a separate part of Allison’s life, and while the benefit of age has made me glad she has someone outside of us, I was jealous at the time. In my insecurities, I wanted Allison all to myself. Now I realize what that actually meant.
Which is also the reason I find myself back on campus, amidst coeds preparing themselves for the last full month of the semester and thinking about maybe starting work on those final projects knowing full well they won’t start work until after Thanksgiving. The cobblestone pathways and trees of crimson and amber and gold coupled with the soft glow of the day’s dying sun don’t make me feel any less uneasy.
Somewhere over Montana, after Allison had passed out on my shoulder, guilt began gnawing at me again. I hatched my plan with the intimidating blue of Lake Superior below. I was grateful for the diversion to avoid a storm, because it gave me more time to think. I ran the idea by Allison before we went to sleep that night in my bed, and she gave me the thumbs up.
The Banner Hall student commons was where Martin and I held court in college. In one of the old stone buildings, with the crackle of a real fireplace, plush old chairs, backed against a courtyard shown through massive cathedral windows, a warm collegiate social hub sits unremarked at the heart of campus. The Banner commons was the place I went to chill, do work, and meet with all my friends whenever I was on campus. It is a place I have no bad memories associated with. I’m going to fuck that up in short order.
Waiting for me, in her trademark ponytail, is one Jordan Summers. I cleared this with her friend first, who served as an intermediary. I’m not wild about facing Jordan again, but it’s something I have to do. As I approach, her friends scatter, no doubt to the far corners of the room to watch.
Jordan turns to greet me. She stands strong but not overly stiff, and there is no trace of a smile on her face. “Hello, Casey.” Her voice is measured, even, and lacking in emotion. In spite of all that, I swear I catch a glimmer of joy in her eyes, mixed with equal measures of sorrow and pain.
“Hey, uh, Jordan.” My knees nearly go weak, and my voice comes out soft, slightly cracking, and devoid of all strength. I am such a fucking prick.
“How have you been?”
I can’t tell if her question is earnest or just being polite. I also can’t figure out how to answer. On the one hand, honesty is the best policy. On the other, as an ex who recently screwed her over hard, I doubt she gives that much of a damn. You know what? Cut the damn knot.
“Look, let’s skip the pleasantries. I wanted to apologize, sincerely, for what a shitty boyfriend I was.”
“Casey, you were a wonderful boyfriend, until the end. That’s why it hurt so damn much.”
My instinct is to offer a hug, and I have to check it like a hockey player. The last thing I should be doing is giving any sorts of mixed signals. I take a deep breath. “It still wasn’t fair. I took you for granted, and that was wrong of me.”
“Oh Casey,” she sighs, shaking her head, and giving a sad smile. “I think we were doomed regardless. We only had a few months before I graduate. And I was already planning on going back to California.”
My jaw hangs open. “Why did you never mention that to me?”
“Because why should I? Screw up the good thing we had going? You were my escape from the real world.”
There’s true pain in her eyes now. Like I was the unknowing bulwark against a thunderous storm threatening to rip her to pieces. How the fuck did I know? We were boyfriend and girlfriend but we never really talked. Was that all my fault? Was I just using her as a placeholder? Christ, this was a mistake. I should never have reopened these wounds.
“I was an asshole.”
“You were,” she states bluntly. “But I can’t hold it against you. I didn’t know what I wanted from you or anyone else. Guess I still don’t. There’s some much I never told you, Casey, but maybe I’m less of the saint here than you give me credit for.”
The revelation inspires conflicting feelings in me. On the one hand, it assuages my guilt a bit, since our breakup was bound to happen sooner or later. On the other hand, I could have been off the hook without being a colossal douchebag, which fills me with a minor annoyance. And now I feel guilty for being annoyed because we’re in this situation thanks to me acting like gigantic jackass. But I’m intrigued by her hinting at her other screw ups, and I’m left wondering what all of this got us except some more material for angsty song lyrics and another reason to never look back upon graduation day, for me and her respectively.
I take a deep breath. “There’s something else I feel that I should tell you.”
Jordan crosses her arms and takes a deep breath herself. “You and Allison?”
I look down at my feet, nod, and respond in a little voice, “Yeah.”
She chuckles. It’s a tired laugh, slightly bitter, but awash with resignation and relief. “You know, in some ways that makes this easier. It being her that you ended up with.”
“How so?”
“If you were going to fall for someone else, at least it’s your childhood best friend you haven’t seen in five years.”
I clench my fist and scowl. “Doesn’t help that I lied about being into her.”
Jordan looks above me at something on the bookshelf behind me. The smell of woodsmoke threatens my attention span, and I dig my nails tighter into the palm of my clenched fist to keep my focus on her.
Jordan finally finds either the question or the nerve to ask it. “Did you realize you liked her like this when we had that conversation?”
Now it’s my turn to look away. The golden sunlight through those cathedral windows couldn’t look more angelic, spilling gold onto red patterned carpets and blue armchairs. However, all I feel is that I’m going to hell. “No. But-”
“Then you didn’t lie. Can’t consciously lie about what you don’t know,” she cuts me off almost dismissively.
I don’t know if I did this for her or for me or for both or just to make everyone as miserable as I was on a cross-country flight, but this was probably a fucking mistake. Score one for Casey Adams again, nice going you fucking moron.
“I guess so.” I take another deep breath. “I wanted you to hear it from me in case you saw us together. Like at the concert tonight or anything. I felt like you deserved that much respect at least.”
“When did you get together?” Jordan sounds hesitant to even ask.
“Are you sure you want the answer to that question?”
Now it’s her turn to look out the windows, deep in thought. I shift uncomfortably in my own skin. I want to be anywhere but here. My brain is soaked in impatience, discomfort, self-loathing, boredom, and anguish. It’s a real fun cocktail.
“Yeah, go ahead and tell me. Anything after that is on my head.” She looks me dead in my eyes with a softer gaze, “Promise. It’s on me.”
“The night you and I broke up. I did my show. I was miserable the whole time and came close to a breakdown on air. I called her just to talk that night and it sort of happened. Then Martin forced us to have a serious conversation, and it ended up with us giving it a real shot.”
Damnit, why did I have to go and say so much?
“I see.” She studies my face for several moments. No more than a few seconds, but the sun might as well have run out the rest of its natural lifespan before she speaks again. “How’s the search for your mom?”
Obviously, she wants to not talk about Allison anymore, which I can’t say I blame her.
“We have some leads. We just got back from Seattle, visiting Allison’s father after figuring out my mom lived there a short while ago. He had a letter which might be the missing piece. We know she’s back on the east coast.”
Jordan smiles. Warmly. With sincerity. “I’m glad. I hope that, when you reach the end of this road, you find the peace you’ve been looking for, Casey.”
“I hope you find your peace too, Jordan. Good luck with the rest of your season, and in case we don’t talk before it happens, congrats on graduating. Go out there and kill it.”
She laughs just a little and cracks a smile, rolling her eyes like she just can’t help it. “Thanks. See you around, Adams.” With that, she rejoins her friends and heads off to god only knows where.
I give her a few minutes before I leave as well. I take the well-trod pathways off campus and back towards town. The venue isn’t too far, and I’m going to meet my friends there, so I can take my time on my walk. Might need it with everything running through my head right now.
I don’t regret poking at fresh wounds just starting to heal over, but it’s certainly not something that fills me with a great sense of joy. I wish I could just go home and sleep until tomorrow morning, and maybe longer still. However, Reilly would get extremely suspicious if I bailed on seeing her again. I am so close to giving her the best engagement present of all time. I just don’t know if I have it within myself to hold it together in an emotional state already starting to unravel. With a wave of analytical angst and emotional exhaustion already coming on, I have to trust that my acting abilities can keep me from slipping and spilling to my sister. And I am a notoriously terrible actor.
It would really suck to blow my knees off with a shotgun this close to the finish line.
***
Now Playing: “In Your Room” – Airiel
The Lost Haven is a venue of local legend. It’s a rite of passage to play its hallowed hall. It’s dignified and dirty all at once. A place you can set up for chamber music or punk rock. It has seen legend after legend play shows here, even after they’ve become big. It’s been around since 1967. I can’t describe it other than as itself. It almost looks like every other concert venue except for the ornate engraved metal panels on the walls, and the stained glass by the entryway. It’s Grantchester history, artisanship, and culture.
The fact that Catherine Cold is playing it is nothing short of awesome to me. If Bryce had his way, this would be my first night playing it too, but after sitting in with them on the radio broadcast, I was able to wriggle out of an appearance tonight. I want my first show on this stage to have my name on the bill, and I’d feel wrong being on stage with all my bandmates in the audience.
My day is significantly brightened when I see Allison and Jess walk toward me at the table I’ve been staked out at. Since we have a decently large group, I opted to carve out a central meeting point. It doesn’t matter so long as I get to hold Allison in the crowd. The constant fixation on my girlfriend would be annoying if being around her wasn’t the easiest I’ve breathed in months. Hell, in years.
After kissing Allison hello, I turn to Jess and offer a hug.
“Good to see you, man, it’s been a while,” she greets.
“Likewise! How have you been?”
“Can’t complain, working at the bookstore near your dad’s bakery, doing my thing. It’s nice being back in town, I missed it,” Jess replies.
As we make pointless small talk, Allison’s hand finds its way into mine. We both relax a bit when we’re together. The crowd starts filling in, with the rail riders jockeying for position up front. Jess makes a disparaging comment about the people who just need to be up front, and I’m inclined to agree. I never got that whole crowd that has to be pressing against the stage. I’m there for the music. Best place to be is by the sound board.
At some point, Martin makes his way over to us. I never saw him come in, but he’s here. He and Jess start out ice cold with each other. I don’t think they’ve seen each other since prom night. The four of us went to prom together, Allison with me, and Martin with Jess. Martin was a perfect gentleman that night, but they got into some fight on the way to the place we went for the afterparty and haven’t been fans of each other since. Allison and I never found out what it was about. I want to say that they should get the fuck over it because holding onto shit for five years is petty and stupid, but that’d just make me a giant hypocrite. Go figure.
Thankfully, any potential smackdown reruns are interrupted when Kim and Amber join us. They inform us, sadly, that Cory has taken a raincheck because a girl he’s trying to date wanted to go out to dinner. Martin makes a disparaging comment about Cory’s priorities, while I make a crack about Martin’s crassitude. Allison smacks her forehead, Jess laughs, and our bandmates just roll their eyes and walk off to get drinks.
“DUDE!” My sister barely finishes the one syllable warning before I get tackle hugged from behind and almost taken to the floor.
“Hey Reilly,” I wheeze, attempting to find my breath after she knocked it clear across the room. I manage to free myself from her grip and turn around to give my sister a proper hug. She’s practically bouncing. Meanwhile, Martin introduces Justin to Jess, and they start talking about books or something.
“I’ve missed you! You have been nowhere, and you still live at home. What gives?” Reilly has a way of being extremely intimidating when she’s excited. Like she’ll give an energetic smile and kind eyes, so you will tell her what she wants to know. I wonder if it has anything to do with how she deals with annoying customers.
“Sorry man,” I do that bashful guy thing with the hand on the back of my neck and sunken shoulders which I hate. As soon as I’m aware I’m doing it, I cross my arms in an attempt to be cool – which I’m not – and stand up straight in an attempt to be dignified. Which I’m also not. “I’ve been busy, with, uh, stuff.”
“Stuff,” Reilly crosses her arms too, and tilts her head down and forward, affixing me with a gaze. A type of gaze. The gaze that gets lesser souls talking.
Sensing my discomfort, Allison leans up and kisses me on the cheek. “Well, because we’re dating!”
Reilly’s jaw drops. “I cannot believe you guys kept this from me!” She throws up her hands in legitimate shock, albeit overplayed for drama’s sake. Reilly got the bouncy energy of happiness for the two of us and boy does she make that clear even while chastising us for keeping our relationship a secret, “I mean, we all knew it was going to happen, but still!”
“What do you mean it was always going to happen?” I put on an insulted tone. I know she’s right, and I’m not that surprised by her response, but I want to keep her from poking around too much, so I will need to be careful with my words.
“Oh please, you two have been making googly eyes at each other since you were learning phonics. I saw it when I was in the fifth goddamn grade, do not try and play these games with me.
Sometimes I hate how well my sister knows me. Siblings really freaking suck sometimes, even when you’d got to the ends of the earth to help them. I cannot reveal too much. “Yeah, I meant to tell you once we got back from Seattle, but we got busy.”
Why the fuck did I mention Seattle? So much for being careful, you moron.
Reilly homes in on exactly what I was attempting to avoid. Narrowing her eyes, her excitement melts and is replaced with a deliberate curiosity and suspicion in her tone and her stance. “Why did you guys go out to Seattle?”
Allison and I share a nervous look. The realization dawns on us both that we never came up with a really good cover story. Panic lights up both of our eyes. Little eyebrow movements or twitches of our noses and lips convey a whole conversation. Many of the words are profanity. Some blame. Lots of fear. We have to think of something.
Allison clears her throat loudly and steps a hair closer to me. “I had…some things with my father that I needed to iron out. When Casey and I got together, I realized that if I didn’t take advantage of being brave enough to face them at that moment, it’d sabotage our relationship before it began and I couldn’t do that to him. To us. Not after waiting so long.”
Sometime in the middle of her speech, Allison laid her hand on my shoulder and moved herself even closer to me. She didn’t tell a lie but maybe didn’t exactly tell the whole truth either. I can deal with the lack of truth for the moment. All I need to do is get through to tomorrow when I have the space to sit and comb through the letter. Tomorrow is the final stretch.
The answer sates Reilly’s suspicion for now. I’m grateful my girlfriend is willing to sacrifice her own comfort and be open in an attempt to protect my big secret from my sister. I have never felt easy lying to the people I love, and this feels so much harder to keep. I want to tell Reilly everything, tell her all the progress we’ve made, but dangling the possibility of mom being at her wedding before ripping it away would be cruel even by younger brother standards.
Instead, I give a little more of myself onto the fire by telling her about my conversation with Jordan. Martin stops socializing with Justin and Jess long enough to call me a total idiot for doing so, to which Allison shushes him forcefully. As I regale my friends with my emotional tales, I turn the grief and angst over in my mind.
I hate how things with Jordan and I went down. I’m grateful I had the chance to clear the air and apologize, for as awkward as the conversation went. I’m even more grateful for the house lights to go down, and the curtain to rise. There will be enough emotionally draining conversations ahead. I can take a break from them for the moment. Just a few hours to be with some of the people I love the most, in a place I adore, with a band I’m excited to hear again.
For the rest of tonight, I just need to be one with the music.
Ark of the Lost Angels 
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