(Credit: Author)
Now Playing: “This Modern Love” – Bloc Party
“C’mon Casey, we’re going to be late for your sister’s party!” Allison calls from down the hall. I grab the hand towel and wipe away the steam from the bathroom mirror to check my hair for the third time. This is a big moment, and I refuse to embarrass my sister. I broke out of a pair of my nice jeans and a good pair of shoes, coupled with a burgundy sweater and I’ve got a nice jacket hanging by the door to go with it.
Mom and dad already left to go over to Beckett’s. The restaurant has an event room which opens onto a section of the back patio. That whole area is where Reilly and Justin are having their party, looking right out on the beach, and putting a bit of fairytale magic into the official kickoff for the grand tour leading up to my sister’s big day.
“Caaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeey,” Allison sing-songs, trying to get my attention from the doorway. Content with my hair, I turn to spot my girlfriend. Wow. She looks incredible. A blue knee-length dress, black boots, and a leather jacket I remember from her edgy high school era. Back then it looked too big, it swallowed her almost, and she came across as a kid trying to play a tough adult. Now it fits her perfectly, in all manners.
“I’ve seen some gorgeous things in my day, but you my dear, are without a doubt, the best of ‘em,” I pull her into a tight hug. Her hair smells faintly of saltwater and it’s soft as clouds. She gently strokes my back and pulls tighter when I move to break the hug.
“Nope. Not done yet.”
“But I thought we had to be out of here for Reilly’s party.”
“We do.” She doesn’t elaborate, just squeezes me even tighter.
I kiss the top of her head and pry her off of me. “C’mon Allison, we should get going.”
“Fiiiiiiiiiine,” she sighs, jokingly. Mostly. I think. “But you’re driving.”
“I don’t have a car!” I throw my hands up. It’s true. My mom took the Challenger to run some errands. After being away from it so long, she’s taking every chance she can to drive it. They loaded her Subaru up with things for the party and Reilly’s borrowing dad’s car for the time being because it allowed her and Justin to split up and accomplish more for the party.
“You can make Martin jealous and drive mine,” she flashes me a devilish grin.
“Cause you don’t want to drive?”
She nods enthusiastically and takes my hand, pulling me down the hall, down the steps, and out the front door of the house. I slide in behind the wheel of her Saab, she hops in the passenger seat, and we’re off.
Beckett’s on the other side of town, still on the coast, but it means we have a little bit of a drive to get there. Normally, I’d walk it, but we’re both dressed nice and it’s getting chilly outside. It’ll be a lot chillier when we get there. And even more so by the time we go to leave.
As the town passes by out the window, I reach over to hold Allison’s hand in mine. Periodically, I pull it up to my lips and kiss it, but otherwise we allow ourselves a comfortable silence on the drive over. In some ways, I feel as though everything we need to say has been said already. Now, we can enjoy just being. It’s a beautiful artform.
Martin is already here helping the band set up. We bribed our friends with the promise of good food and the ability to partake at the open bar if they played the party for us. Cory recruited a drummer from one of his classes to sit in for Martin so he could actually enjoy the festivities. Though he and I are planning on playing a song or two with the band and my mom, to give Reilly something to make this party unforgettable.
Also invited are all of our grandparents and cousins who could make it. Justin’s family came up from St. Louis for the occasion, and to meet my family for the first time. I opted out of the introductory dinner last night because it was more of a parental thing. A bunch of Reilly’s friends are coming in from out of town to celebrate with her.
I couldn’t have imagined a better ending to this whole saga. Yes, there will be a lot of difficult conversations my family is going to have, and there are bound to be reentry problems, but to have some finality on my mother’s absence is incredibly relieving. And while no would have still been an answer, the fact that I got lucky enough to get exactly what I wanted out of this odyssey is a remarkable stroke of good fortune I don’t intend to take for granted.
The restaurant is already buzzing. I park the car and we head towards the front. The valet is someone I know casually from around town, and he tells us to head around to the back because that’s where everyone is. I thank him, and we find ourselves heading towards the ocean.
“Hey Casey, can we not go in yet?” Allison’s voice has a slight tremor, and the confidence at my house has given way to a nervous reluctance.
I take her hand in mine and squeeze it tightly. “Sure, sweetheart.”
We walk out towards the ocean. The sun must be getting lower in the sky, not that you’d be able to notice with the low clouds, but the clear sky that I can see is a muted shade of yellow. Careful footsteps avoid getting too much sand on and in our shoes. Stepping delicately on the beach is an art form, one which I’ve mastered by living here for so long. It requires constant vigilance and not an iota of laziness or else you will end up with sand in your soles which you cannot get out even with a vacuum. It blows. “What’s up?”
“Did we make the right decision?”
I can barely make her words out over the wind from the water, but the question unsettles me nonetheless. Ignoring the absolute bliss I’ve been feeling for the last couple of weeks since we got together, it’s a fair question. It’s also not exactly one I haven’t pondered myself.
I opt for honesty. “I don’t know.”
She looks crestfallen. “Me neither.”
I cross in front of her to stand face to face. She holds onto my wrist, as if I’m going anywhere. I’m not. I can’t. She’s too important to me to do anything but travel this road together. I gently stroke her cheek and pull her in closer by the waist.
“Allison, everything we’ve done so far has felt right. Even when it shouldn’t. From the way we talked at the diner after my concert to nearly kissing you at the lighthouse to traveling together, and every inconsequential meal, movie, and moment in between. I was waiting for you to come home for five years, and I don’t intend on wasting another second without you.”
Her eyes widen, and there’s a little tremble in her lip. “I love you so much, Casey.” She throws her arms around my neck and hugs me tight. I squeeze even harder back.
“I love you too, Allison.”
There it is. The first time we’ve said those three little words. All of the concerns about us are valid. That we got together too quickly. That I didn’t give it enough time after breaking up with Jordan. That we never seriously talked about what we both want out of life and whether a relationship is aligned with our long term goals and values. There are so many unknowns from our time apart.
However, these challenges are nothing we cannot face together. I know for a fact that I am madly in love with Allison Graves, and I have been since I was a child. I know for a fact that she feels the same about me. I know for a fact that my heart was torn to pieces when she left. I know for a fact that she came back. And I know for a fact that she’s mine and I’m hers. Everything else, we’ll deal with as it comes up.
My girlfriend pulls herself even tighter into my arms and she buries her face in my neck. The moment is so completely perfect, and staring out at a faded yellow horizon through the slit between the sand and the clouds gives me the truth about November seas. One of Allison’s pet projects for years has been working out why people love the ocean so much. I think the variable she never accounted for was the time of year. The ocean means different things at different times of the year. It gives you what you need no matter when.
In springtime, the ocean represents promise of new life and adventures to come. In summer, the ocean cools you off and provides those adventures and the associated frivolity. The ocean is cold and hostile in the wintertime as a reminder to stay inside and appreciate the other things you have. Autumn is the transitional period when the ocean means the most. September is the last remnants of summer’s adventure as the world comes back down to earth. It makes you think twice in October as the weather grows colder. And nobody cares about it in December because of the holidays.
November sits in a unique time of year: just warm enough to remain slightly compelling while being too cold to be completely inviting. Aside from Thanksgiving, November is a thoroughly understated month. It’s a brief pause before the chaos of Christmas, with short days and long nights which incentivize staying in and reflecting more than usual. In that way, the ocean strips away the artifice. It cuts down to the bone of the honest to god truth and tells you what you have been unwilling to hear. That’s why people love November seas, because they reveal those little truths your heart knows that your head has been ignoring.
Tonight, it asked me the question: “Why Allison?” And it led me to my real answer. That I have chosen her over everyone else, year after year. I chose to prioritize her, even when we didn’t speak for five years and she was three thousand miles away. The moment she comes back, she understands me the same as she always has. It’s effortless between us, although it makes me want to try harder than I ever have before. It’s real.
What I have with Allison Graves is real.
“What happens next?” Allison whispers into my ear. I smile and gently rub her back.
“Well, we’ve put our ghosts to rest now. What happens next is whatever we want. For the moment, let’s go celebrate my sister and her fiancé.”
Satisfied with that answer, and chilly because of the temperature, Allison takes my hand and we glide across the sand back towards the restaurant.
Now Playing: “1901” – Phoenix
Most of the guests have already arrived despite the party officially starting twenty minutes ago. Suddenly I feel a bit more self-conscious about talking on the beach while everyone could see. Any potential embarrassment is immediately dispelled with Allison’s soft hand rubbing against the callouses from my playing guitar.
Speaking of which, mom and I coordinated the perfect surprise for Reilly. My sister knows that my friends are playing her party, and indeed, the sound of one of my favorite songs by Phoenix is already scoring the evening. What they do not know is that I gave a couple of amps, my Strat, and mom’s Rickenbacker to Martin to take with him and set up for us so that we can sing a song or two for my sister.
We filter through, saying our hellos to my dad’s family, catching up with my Uncle Derek and Aunt Lucy for a few minutes, and making small talk with my bandmates as they set up for a bit. I feel bad, having been unable to spend as much time with them as I’d have liked the last couple months. They all understand, being overjoyed to play a tune with my mom tonight.
“I like large parties, they’re so intimate. At small parties, there isn’t any privacy,” Martin greets us, throwing his arms around both of our shoulders. I roll my eyes but grin nonetheless.
“You remembered something we read in high school?” Allison digs on him.
“We read that in high school? I was quoting Elizabeth Debicki in The Great Gatsby. You know, the movie with Leonardo DiCaprio.”
Allison and I share a look of debate. Over who is going to hit him. We both decide it’s a joint task, and Martin’s arms are once again on the receiving end of moderately strong punches.
“Ow you dicks!”
“Oh whatever. You totally deserved that,” Allison states.
“Whatever, I’m going to get some food,” Martin huffs and walks off, Allison in tow, beginning another bicker session.
I don’t think she realized that she left me here, but I don’t mind. Just hope she thinks to make me a plate. I took a look at the menu, and this is going to be good. Reilly and Justin spared no expense. In addition to an open bar, they opted for a buffet of some of the best items on Beckett’s menu. The owner sources some desserts from the shop, so I’m assuming my sister got a decent price on the whole shebang, but still. Granted, Beckett’s prices wouldn’t be what they are if the food here wasn’t really good. I digress.
“Casey,” my uncle taps me on the shoulder.
“Hey Uncle Derek,” I respond, offering a hug.
“Nice job getting your mom home.” He gives me a tired smile and an approving nod. I clap him on the shoulder.
“Wouldn’t have happened without you.”
“No, Casey, it was all you. You’d have found a way.”
“Have you talked to her yet?”
“A little.”
“I’m going to be direct and disrespectful of my elders here,” I say.
“Watch it,” he teases.
“Go talk to your damn sister.”
My uncle stares out the window at the ocean and takes a deep breath. He shoves his hands in his pockets and lets the silence hang between us for a few moments. “You’re right. You did good, Casey. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks Uncle Derek. Love you.”
“Love you too, kid.” The bad Harrison Ford impression comes out again, and I can’t help but chuckle as he walks away to be a good sibling.
No sooner does my uncle depart than my own sister almost tackle hugs me, yet again.
“Hey dude!”
“Hey dude!” I offer back, “At the official event commemorating the auspicious occasion of your engagement, may I offer my official congratulations.” I offer a mock bow with a joking flourish.
“Consider me officially congratulated,” Reilly mock curtsies, causing us both to laugh.
We calm down and look at each other. It’s hard thinking that my big sister is getting married. That she’s moving forward in life. It’s refreshing to know I don’t feel like I’m being left very far behind. I’ve cut free the old weights holding me back and now I have opportunity on the horizon. If I were a betting man, I’d wager that my sister is questioning how the hell her baby brother grew up to track our mom down all over the nation and got strong-willed enough to bring her home. In her mind, she’s still supposed to be protecting me.
“I cannot believe you found mom,” Reilly lets out a low whistle while absentmindedly grooving to the music.
I shrug. “It was no big deal.”
Reilly straightens up and puts on a serious face. “Yes it was. You went to hell and back.”
“It was all for you, Riles.”
My sister, again, nearly sends me to the ground with a hug. “You’re the best brother ever and I love you.”
“I love you too,” I gasp, “Please let go, I can’t breathe.”
Reilly indulges me by loosening her bear hug a slight bit. It doesn’t help a ton. Thanks, sis.
“Trying to kill your brother again? It’s like I never left,” mom teases as she and dad join us.
“Ma! Help meeeeeeee!” I overdramatize the choking voice. Mom laughs, dad rolls his eyes and shakes his head, and Reilly sighs but lets me go.
“You’re no fun,” my sister huffs.
“Fuck you dude,” I fire back.
My parents look right back together. Dad’s got his slight professorial look going on, and mom is an elegant rockermom. Somehow, my mother can make getting dressed up for her daughter’s engagement party look rebellious while not actually being anywhere close to bad taste. That’s Melanie Winters for you, able to perfectly navigate between so many different worlds.
Dad, on the other hand, has his old glow back. The serenity amidst our chaos, his smile is a bit brighter, his eyes have more of that spark, and the way he was swinging mom around on the dancefloor earlier all tell me that he’s on his way to being who he was before she left.
“Oh God, Justin is waving me over, with his parents,” Reilly groans, turning towards mom and dad, “Can you guys come with and help run interference?”
My parents both agree, with differing levels of amusement. Reilly practically bounces while thanking them, leading to me cracking a wry grin. I’m glad to see our family’s antics are back on their usual track as well.
Reilly turns to me with clasped hands extended towards me, “Help a sister out?” she pleads with a slight pout that used to get her everything from our parents.
I give her a flat expression and shake my head. “Good luck dude.”
She drops the act. “You are the absolute worst.”
“Love you too.”
Defeated, my sister straightens her mannerisms and strides gracefully over to her fiancé with our parents in tow. I’m sure that isn’t the last moment we’ll get tonight, and I know she has to make the rounds. It’s nice that mom’s return and Reilly’s engagement make the girls of the Adams family the center of attention for the evening, letting me melt into the shadows like I prefer.
As if on cue, Martin rejoins me with a plate of chicken parmesan he offers. His own holds a pork chop and asparagus. I thank him profusely. Beckett’s chicken parm is some of the best I’ve ever had. I purposefully ate light today knowing that I would be feasting this evening. I take a few bites and we enjoy the silence of two guys that have said everything we need to say.
“Before you ask, your girlfriend is talking with your grandmother. She asked me to find you and bring you food,” Martin breaks the silence when I take a sip of my water.
“You both are too good for me.”
We stand in silence, observing the party. There are a lot of people we both know here because of our twenty-some years in this town. But tonight’s not focused on either one of us, so we can stand in a crowded room and never get noticed. A pair of ghosts observing a world they’re only slightly connected to.
I clear my throat. “Thank you, man.” I look over at my best friend beside me, who looks back and nods knowingly. “You did a lot for me these last several weeks. Kept my head and heart in it. Told me what I needed to hear. I would never have gone as far as I did without you. From the bottom of my heart, thanks Martin.”
“You’re my brother, Case. I know you’d do it for me in a heartbeat. Hell, you always have.” He swings his arm around me. “I’m lawyas going to have your back, and you damn well better know it by this point.”
“I do.”
“Love you, Casey.”
“Love you back, Martin. Always.”
“Always.”
With our emotions acknowledged, honored, and shared, we’re content watching the party unfold. Uncle Derek and Aunt Lucy make fools of themselves on the dance floor, no doubt helped by a couple of cocktails on my uncle’s part. Reilly is glowingly holding onto Justin as they talk to our grandmother. Dad is by the buffet with his brother and nephew, with my pappy waiting and regaling some of Justin’s siblings with stories of I don’t know what. My friends in the band are grooving and gifting us all with music to move our feet.
Allison Graves returns to me with a drink in hand and a content smile on her face. She slides closer to me and lays her head on my shoulder. I take another bite of my chicken parm and look at the love within this room. For my family. My best friends at my side and all the roads in the world before us, my family reunited, and old ghosts finally put to rest, I cannot help but smile.
There have been too many moments I wished would hurry along to count. Every Friday afternoon waiting for the clock to hit quitting time, or conversations about nothing respectful of any situation I found myself in, or the anguish of being devastatingly bored while old mistakes circle the mind like dirty water to a drain. There have been just as many moments where I wished would last but was too distracted to smell the roses: nights blown at the bar or the diner with Martin, those fleeting moments on stage, or blissful days lacking responsibilities with perfect weather.
Today is as close to perfect as I could imagine with my friends by my side, my family reunited, something wonderful to celebrate. I wish tonight could last forever. And because I know it can’t, I want to drink in every last drop I can. For once, tomorrow can wait, because today has everything I need.
There are no more ghosts haunting me today.
***
Allison Graves
I have not been blessed with a great number of chances to see Casey play since I came back. None of them have come after we started dating. There is a definite difference being in the crowd to support your boyfriend, even if he isn’t the star of the evening. I do not know how territorial I would feel if this were in a space with people outside of those we care about, though I am certain that I will find out. Regardless, it is adorable seeing him up there with his mother.
“Reilly, this song was always meaningful for your father and me, and so may it be for you and Justin. Congratulations, baby, I love you,” Melanie introduces the piece. Her warm smile and the tear she has to wipe away from her face are matched by Reilly’s. The bride-to-be raises her glass to her mother and brother from the audience before the band starts playing.
“God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys is the perfect choice.
The song unravels, enchanting the entire room full of loved ones. Each time Casey is at the microphone, his eyes find mine. While we may have finally said those three little words for the first time this afternoon, I have known for a long time how he feels. It is how I have always felt too. In every line he sings, I know he is singing right to me. It is a warmth I still have not quite gotten used to, and I hope he knows that I adore him in the smile I send right back.
Typical of Casey Adams, he hides a big grand gesture in plain sight. And yet, the song also serves as an ode to Reilly and Justin from their family. More than that, it is Melanie singing towards her family; the husband who always carried a torch for her which helped light her way home, the son who found her wandering in the darkness, and the daughter who grew up and took all the lessons she imparted to heart.
Something about Casey holding a guitar has always looked right. My definitive image of him is the coffee house our senior year of high school. He, Martin, and a girl who was in band performed as a trio. Her name was Kelly Sabatino, and she became friends with Casey because he used to play in the pit band for the musicals. She played a great bass.
On stage tonight, with his same worn and weathered sunburst Fender Stratocaster, he looks exactly the way he’s meant to. Casey’s unchanging nature makes him a source of comfort. I feel invincible with all that I know I am yet to face because I have someone that helped me build the foundation of who I think I am by my side again after all this time.
Yes, there will be reentry problems. Yes, I do not see the course of my life through the fog of uncertainty and the paralyzing boundless choice of youth. Yes, we will have all new problems to face as a couple and as individuals. However, standing in this crowd made up of family and friends and my best friend in the whole world in the town which I always carried in my heart gives me the peace and confidence to face the challenges which lie ahead. More than the crashing of the waves upon the beach, this tells me that I am home.
I am home.
Ark of the Lost Angels 
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