Guilt

I was told this photo belonged here [on r/TheNightFeeling] _{(Credit: u/BryanwithaY on reddit)}

You’re healing when the guilt changes.
What was once an all-consuming storm of self-hatred
Has now cooled to a heavy, quiet, crushing weight.
You’ll never rid yourself of it,
But you’re no longer in danger of punching the mirror
As the fog clears after another shower
In which you tried to cry over the same old sins
Only to find no tears would come.

Old words resurrect old guilt in the middle of the night.
They still stick with you, echoing around your head when the world is silent.
How ironic that they were about the inability to talk anymore.
You tossed them aside at the time,
Chalked up the hurt feelings as collateral damage.
You didn’t want to admit they were true.
You never wanted to hurt anyone.
You never wanted to drag someone else into your storm.
But you did.
And now you have to live with it.

You turn the concept of forgiveness over in your head,
Looking at every centimeter with a looking glass,
Like a watchmaker examining his latest creation.
But the watchmaker made something worthwhile.
Forgiveness is not yours to dole out.
It’s unfair to ask for.
You don’t dare to try and reconnect for yourself.
Only you do, and you justify it to yourself.
You make expressly clear that you’re apologizing from regret,
But saying you don’t want forgiveness is all sorts of wrong.
Makes you look angsty. Egotistical. Manipulative.

You feel guilt when you hurt them because you love them.
Sometimes loving someone means knowing when to lie to them.
Sometimes loving someone means staying silent so they can heal.
You know you’re healing when the guilt changes.
When you no longer hate yourself for old sins,
But quietly resolve to never hurt someone else the same way.
The weight sits in your heart still,
But it’s easier to continue walking than it used to be.